There are few better ways to identify yourself as a stupid, self-absorbed douchebag with no class than to visit a circus.
Animals do not naturally ride bicycles, jump through hoops of fire, or stand on their heads. They are forced to do these things by trainers who use electric prods, muzzles, bullhooks, whips, and tight collars. For animals that big---elephants, lions, tigers---there is no such thing as “positive reinforcement” in the training process. It’s done with varying degrees of punishment: they perform because they’re afraid not to.
When not being forced to perform for hooting yokels and snotnosed brats, the animals are being kept in cramped quarters, without room to move around, deprived of adequate veterinary care, and being denied the chance to be with other animals or start a family.
Anyone who thinks it’s funny to see a beautiful wild animal forced to perform ridiculous and demeaning tricks has the intelligence and mentality of a ragged, toothless, 15th century bumpkin.
If you have the urge to attend a circus, see Cirque du Soleil instead! Their acts feature only human performers and are much more inventive and creative than traditional circuses.
It’s time to abolish the medieval, backward practice of using animals for entertainment.

What do you think about ANIMAL MISTREATMENT?

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Johnny's runner's lifestyle

Two years ago, as a New Year's Resolution, I vowed to run a marathon.
Done.

That was the start of my fitness lifestyle. Going from lazy fat slob (or at least on the road to lazy fat slob) to slightly chubby marathoner. I did another marathon in 2005. Along the way I learned about fitness, health and diet.

Now everyone says that working out is good for you, you feel better and it doesn't take that long and isn't too hard. That is true, but there should be a footnote or a caveat or something. You should have access to the fine print. That's what this is the fine print. This is why I hate my fitness lifestyle.
Working out takes time. The American Heart Association (AHA) suggests that you exercise for 30 to 60 minutes, on most days of the week, at 50-80 percent of your maximum capacity. I seem to remember them singing the tune that 30 minutes a day 3 time a week was enough. Or maybe that was the time I spent knocking back Ben & Jerry's; not sure.

Any way, 30 to 60 minutes about 5 days a week isn't undoable. Bye bye, Judge Judy; hello gym.

No so fast. Literally. Travel time kills that. I go to the gym, from the gym, to races, parks, the pool. I am always running (not the heart rate kind, either) all over the place just to get a workout I live in a cul-de-sac just off Deathrace road (next issue: Virginia is not for drivers). I do, did, and have run the neighborhood loop. Many many many times. (I would keep typing "many" for effect, but stupid spell checker keeps underlining it, suggesting that I delete repeated word.) For me, staying motivated and sane involves traveling to the gym. I can run 20 miles, but geography dictates that I have to drive 30 miles to do that without wearing a hole in the same circle of asphalt.

I also spend time changing. No, not changing into an Adonis, rather, changing clothes. If you read between the lines "30 to 60 minutes at 50-80 percent of your maximum capacity" means, "drenched with sweat". So, I go to the gym right after work (part of my "going home is death workout plan ™". This, coupled with my "If it tastes good, spit it out! Diet ™" will make me rich someday. It will also make thousands of Americans very unhappy for the two weeks that they stick to it.) As I was saying, I go to the gym right after work. I go change in the locker room. After my cardio I have to change again to do my weight training because I am literally dripping with sweat. If there is anything planned other than going straight home, showering and PJ's, then I need yet another set of clothes because the weight lifting attire is now uncomfortably sweaty (when you work out frequently, you develop more sweat glands, to more effectively make you a sweaty wreck. I couldn't find that on the stupid AHA website. If I were going home to just put my feet up, drink a beer and watch weight loss reality programming, there would be no third changing. I particularly like weight loss programming about morbidly obese people. Man, are they fat!

More changing means more laundry. I'm always doing laundry. I hate laundry. Before I developed my exercise lifestyle, I had enough socks and underwear to make it a month. Let me tell ya something: one accidental sniff test on a pair of three week old jogging shorts, and the once a month laundry thing is out the window. (The "no vomiting in the laundry basket" thing is also out the window.)Seriously, when working out I've got my regular laundry, maybe 8 workout outfits that do not like to wait, and several post workout drying off on the way home outfits. Even when I stayed on top of laundry one room in the house smelled like a locker room.

Now: I am at the gym, dressed ready to start my 50 to 80%. But there are some extras. Warm-up and cool-down take 10 minutes each.

Stretching takes 10 to 15 minutes (more if I am battling an injury). Back when fitness used to be "gym class" before people worried about "safety" and "soft tissue injuries" stretching wasn't so bad. You would bend at the waist as far as you could go, bounce a few times, and you where done. Yeah, it hurt, but it only took a few seconds and you really felt like you accomplished something. Sometimes you accomplished a torn hamstring. Now stretching is broken into every muscle group. You hold a position where you don't feel pain for about thirty seconds and then move on to the next position gently stretching your muscles. If you want something more boring and less challenging, try watching paint dry. If you want something more challenging you could try yoga. I found out that holding yourself in the up pushup position for, like, five minutes, is part of yoga. I don't go anymore. You could also try "pilates". "Pilates" is European for "trendy".

A big benefit of a fitness lifestyle is "feeling better." I absolutely felt better, if by "felt better" they mean, "need to go down the stairs backwards because my legs are sore". The time I really felt strong and fit was 2 miles into a run. Other than that not so much. I did get to complain "man, I just ran 20 miles and I am so exhausted." (Why my friends and acquaintances hate my fitness lifestyle.)

Another part of feeling better is more energy. This is true, but should be read "more energy in your waking hours". A good rule of thumb is that for every hour you spend vigorously exercising, you need an extra hour of sleep. I do like to sleep, but it cuts into my laundry time, and the hazmat team shows up after 2 weeks.

Reading back, I realize that many of the things I hate about my fitness lifestyle could be mitigated by a little moderation. The fact is that I am not about moderation. If I was I wouldn't need a marathon to motivate me to be healthy. All told, I don't feel worse than when I was lazy, and the chicks dig my moderately healthy physique. Of course by chicks, I mean my wife.

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