I could on and on about my halloween this year. It was a good time all around. FRiday we started at the Headliner in Neptune. I was dressed as Super Evil Gleny. I wore thongs and a cape, so as you can image..it was hands on, hands on. It was very full and FREAK was playing. I love Halloween because of the way it helps people give up some of their inhibitions. I love how girls and guys that are playful inside, finally can turn it up. It gives conservative people an excuse to have a little fun.

Saturday I went some guys to the Monmouth University Homecoming. It wasn't a Halloween type event, but they did roast a pig and I met a few interesting college girls. I don't usually do college gigs, but it was mayhem and I loved it.

Then Saturday nite was Jimmy Cheesesteak's bday. So there was a little limo bus trip planned and I tagged along.. We went to Bar A first and then off to Jenks. Now Jenks was so crowded. There were hand over fist sexy and hot girls though, I mean they were everywhere. We never ended making it the Sawmill as planned, but it was still a very good nite full of tricks and treats...

Then the parade... ah the superbowl of sleaze, the pinnacle of a year of waiting for it to come again. It was a great time, one of my favorite moments was the group of guys waiting in our spot for us. The was a line of people who were waiting to see us again. This year the news was a little kinder, we talked to channel 2 and 7, but fox told us dressed like we were , we had to come back after 10pm.. it was hilarious.

I'm smart, educated, talented and reasonably good looking, so why won't anyone give me a job? I am up at the butt crack of dawn each day applying for at least one job that I would be great at. I talk myself up in the cover letter explaining exactly why I am a great choice for the position and nothing. No calls. No interviews.

It didn't use to be like that. I've seen the old TV shows. You walk in the store, pick-up the help wanted sign in the window and say, "It's good to meet you. You can call me your bitch." You work your ass off. You get paid. Eventually, you run the place. Not any more. This is what sucks about applying for jobs in this day and age:
1) Your application gets attached to an email and sent off into nothingness only to have a bot reply back. "We got it. If your background and experience match out listing we will contact you about the next steps." They then delete your application and ask big-chested Mary Sue if she has any friends that need a job.
2) If you don't know someone already working there you might as well submit and forget. You will never find out who is hiring. So how are you supposed to do follow-ups? How can I share with the company leaders that I am enthusiastic about the job and am the right choice?
3) You will never find out if your resume even got out of the black whole that is personnel. Did they not like the layout? Should I have not included that? Was my tone wrong? You never know and will never find out.

So here it is. The part you've been waiting for: how to actually land that dream job. Yeah right. I'm still sending out the resumes. But here are some ideas I'm about to resort to:
1) SPAMing the company until they cry mercy and either hire me or call the cops.
2) Attach to the end of the cover letter, "On second thought, I'm really not sure your company is ready for the innovations I will be offering. I will forward this to your competitor. If you feel I've been misinformed, please contact me.
3) Steal all their coffee machines and hold them ransom for and interview.

I'm open to any ideas at this point. Please reply with some. If you are in a hiring position and need someone with owlish skills at copy and image editing, multitasking skills of a teacher and knowledge of archiving and digital asset management, please contact me.

Matthew Martell
Matthew@EonArchiving.com